Majestic and Waiting
It was a nice place, Holyoke Skilled Nursing Facility. Everyone said so. Everyone thought so, from the occasional grand-kids that showed up to visit their respective grand-parents to the mildly uncomfortable, mildly optimistic, mildly obligated grown sons and daughters that came in fatigued, shepherding the kids in for a quick after-school visit. Even the residents themselves likely thought so - though it was admittedly hard to tell what, if anything, they were thinking as they sat all day wheel-chair bound and parked in the halls like so many old, abandoned cars.
Some of them even seemed to enjoy their time there, as if putting up some sort of happy facade would somehow signify their refusal to simply be abandoned, would somehow make them independent, strong people again. As if, behind a shield of optimism and joy they could pretend they were just normal people, going shopping, getting their hair done, going to baseball games. So they seemed to think.
But any visitor could tell the difference between the abandoned and those that refused to be abandoned... a smile that became a grin, a friendly hi in the hallway, a head held high. Recipe-talk with the nurses. Plans for life when they would be well enough to leave. Dinner at 6:00, Bingo at 7:00. People that lived, and by living, were impossible to forget, to put away like some dusty toy on a disinterested child's shelf.
Louisa was one of those who were quite, quite abandoned and subsequently didn't really bother to live. The mere fact that she was indeed alive was thanks to doctors who knew how to deal with stroke, not to her won vivacity and determination. Determination, she had thought once. What for? What did she have left to do in life that required any determination?
As far as she was concerned, she was doing all she needed to be doing - waiting, mainly. "Hmmm, waiting for what?" the perky, pretty nurse, the blonde one had once asked kindly without really caring. "I think you might be better than me at waiting... oops, there we go... yeah... just scoot you up a little bit there... there we go, all tucked up in bed..."
Well why else would she be enduring all of this? The embarrassment of being so vulnerable, so weak, being unable to change position in the night... being forced to ring for the nurse, to clutch the girl"s lean, straining shoulders with weak, bird-boned fingers as she heaved her up higher in bed. It was a hell of a way to go. Lousia did not want to go that way. Which was likely the main reason she stuck around, holding lackluster onto life - waiting.
She wasnt quite sure what would happen as the end result of all this waiting, but she fantasized it would be big. A lot of light. A lot of noise, good noise. A lot of love and joy. Something majestic... Trumpets, perhaps, welcoming her home? The absurdity of the thought made her grin, an absent, semi-toothless grin that was a bit lopsided thanks to the stroke. The nurses smiled back when she grinned at her own ridiculous thoughts, perhaps mistaking her amusement as being directed at them. The visitors, come to see the jolly, heavy-set old lady down the hall, usually looked elsewhere. They did not w ant to see an immobile, lopsided, saliva-dribbling woman grinning at them as they went down the hall.
Perfectly understandable. Perhaps they didn't want to see because they didn't want to believe that they could find themselves in exactly the same situation someday. So they didn't look at her, as if she was merely an extremely uninteresting landmark by the road of life.
Which she could deal with. She was used to abandonment... it didn't anger or hurt her. It merely.. gave her time to imagine what all this waiting would bring. An absence of pain? A finally happy day, though "happy" was hardly a mood she would recognize now, it had been too long since it had even occurred to her to so much as care about happiness. She like the think there would be roses, too, and she played that scenario through and through, again and again, day after uneventful identical day sitting in the brown leather wheelchair in the Holyoke Skilled Nursing Facility hall.
Someday at the end of all this waiting, she liked to think her perpetual fantasies would be proved right. She liked to think that the cafeteria balcony doors would be open and white light would be shining through them, yes, just up there, and the scent of roses and sunshine would waft in, replacing the ever-present odor of urine, disinfectant and baby powder... "What's going on?" the one nurse would say in wonder (the perky one, the blonde one)... Louisa would bring her head up and clutch the arms of the wheelchair, thin wasted arms trembling from the strain of pushing and - her very favorite part - she would stand.
And walk unaided, a little wobbly, but without pain towards the shining doors... Beyond the bright light she got just the barest glimpse of green grass, white clouds on a blue sky... She reached out and clutched the door-frame in a frail, thin hand and glanced over her shoulder at everyone watching, all the lopsided, abandoned, old dribblers in the hall... And (she always grinned when she thought of this part) out she would step onto the balcony into all the white light and happiness and breeze...
...And would feel gentle fingers questing over her wrist, holding for a few moments and then dropping hopelessly away again... "Sometimes during the night," someone would say...
And the nice nurse, the blonde one, would sigh and brush a few tears away, glance out at the darkened hall... at rows and rows of doors and rooms... all those abandoned people... and all of them waiting. Majestic and waiting.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
o.O
that seems about right... the piece that is... my mom always visited these places for her work... ugh skilled nursing is so... bad. Not to mention all the corners they cut.
You remind me why I'm pro assisted suicide...
Lol, thanks you guys, Myth and Kay! Ick, the typos - I am bad for that, I should have revised this... perhaps I was a little overconfident in my typing abilties. ^_~
As far as the name of the facility goes, it's pronounces "Holy"-"oak"... no reason for it to be called that really, but my mom was born in a town called Holyoke and it's just what came to mind.
Um, about that last question...
Indeed, you wouldn't feel it, but I was trying to make a transition between Louisa's point of view and the nurse's... not too skillfully, perhaps. ^_~ Any ideas to make that run smoother?
And lol, to clarify - the reality of this piece was definitely not just born out of my brilliant subconscious. o.O My grandfather fell last year and ended up in a skilled nursing facility for a month or two... I got to see how everyone acted, both the patients and the nurses. Heh, to tell you the truth, I had thought I had forgotten most of it until I sat down to write this. ^_~
First of all, please forgive me if I repeat anything that anyone else has said..
I do agree with Myth in that parts of it do seem a little creepy.. I guess it's 'cause I've worked with these sort of people before, so I can relate to a lot of this.
Okay, not really a critique as such, but I have no idea how you'd pronounce the first part of the name.. I guess something like 'holly-oak' but I may be wrong.
Also, when I first read this part, I had no idea from this sentence that it was a place for disabled people. I just assumed it was for ill people. Don't change the 'nursing facility' bit though - I like it.
Wiggy's right - I think it was Wiggy - when she said that the repitition of 'mildly' was a bit odd. That does perhaps need changing a little.
I love the imagery in this part though, just 'cause I can relate to it so well. I can definitely relate to being uncomfortable, optimistic, yes, and obligated - that too. I like the idea of shepherding the kids in as well.
Sad..
Typo on 'putting'.. you may want to check, but I have a feeling you may need a cedilla on facade as well - as it comes from the French word.
I'm not sure about this part - obviously they can't go shopping or to baseball games, so I'd think about changing it. Either you could put something like 'normal people who could go shopping' etc. or something simpler like 'normal people living normal lives'.
This is a little confusing.. you don't say which category the examples go into. You don't have to, of course, but I did have to read that twice to fully understand it.
Not sure if this should be in a sentence on it's own..
Love this part! Nice imagery..
It feels like the language changes at the end of this sentence.. You don't need the 'really' either.
Too much information all at once - not only that but the word order seems a little strange. Try putting it together, or taking some of it out.
This bit is so sad! Especially as it's the sort of thing that does really happen, and you're right; no-one wants that to happen to them.
Can't find anything to critique here though..
Typo on 'light', and - ah! - americanism! Hehe, but I'll let you off seeing as you're American.
I know she's maybe too old for this, but.. she sounds so sweet! The way she's imagining trumpets and everything.. even the part with the smile.
Sort of sad how the other visitors look elsewhere though.. especially as it's so true..
Aside from that, typo on 'elsewhere', 'heavy', and 'want'.
Again, you've put in a very sad scene.. the way she's used to abandonment, so much so that she doesn't even care about it anymore. I love how she fantasises about roses and the rest over and over.
It should be 'she liked to think' though.
Typo on brown.
I don't much like the repition here - we don't need to be told that she's perky and blonde twice. I'm not a huge fan of brackets in fiction either. *shifty eyes*
I love this image! It's described well enough that I can actually see her struggling, and her arms trembling - I can see it all in my mind. Some stories that I read don't do that to me, or at least not so well as this.
Shouldn't really start a sentence with 'and', but it still works I think. It almost sounds like heaven, the way you describe it.
Um.. I'd sort of change the brackets to hyphens though.
Found typos on clutched, glanced, and abandoned.
Wow.. I didn't get this the first time around, but.. she died, didn't she? Even though it's sad, she really has gone to her special place.
Only thing is.. if you're dead, how do you feel the fingers on your wrist, or indeed any touch at all? Hmm...
Great piece of work, DD! Hehe, I'll have to go look for all your other stuff too.
--Kay
Okaay Dreamy!
This reminds me A LOT about a mental hospital I visited last year. I don't know if anyone found this a tiny bit creepy, especially when Louisa smiled, it was definately something many of the patients did at the hospital.
I love the ending, it just makes me wonder and think of all those abandoned people just waiting for the glorious moment when they'd see the bright light.
Pretty good for a short story.
Hey, thanks Imp. The crit is very much appreciated, and I do apologize for all the typos... lol, I didn't revise very well before posting this. Sorry. ^_~
(oh yes, and the one section about vivacity, it's "her own vivacity"... lol, yes indeed, another typo...)
Thanks for the advice and the help, Imp, and I shall be sure to use it ^_^
...a rather vivid short DD - characterised well and mostly very even on its theme. ^_^
--optimistc
But a good opening paragraph. For flash fiction, it moves a bit slower than most. Not necassarily a hindrance here as it reflects well the sluggish life - or lifelessness- of the nursing home. ^_^
On the 'everyone thought so...' however, try that singular (occasionl grand-kid --- grand-parent) rather than plural. '...from the occasional grand-kid who showed up to visit his respective grand-parent, to the...'
--typoes: putting and optimism.
Excellent impression all around of the resigned despair of the inhabitants' situation. Try dropping the last sentence - awkward at the tail end of well-balanced paragraph and a bit redundant. ^_^
Quite quite abandoned? Double intentional? If so, it's a little too much - for narrative. In dialogue it would fit fine. One 'quite' ought to go.
Then, you introduce Louisa - and you've got the reader's sympathy, I think, neatly with how human she is from the start. With the narrative - somewhat conversational - and Louisa balanced in a resigned life of waiting.
Hard-won vivacity? There it fits technically - but one doesn't usually win vivacity. Win life back, sometimes, by a hard fight, hard-won strength - perhaps. But vivacity is or isn't - inherent to some people, not there for others. Or is 'won' meant to be 'wan' - as in 'pale' or 'fleeting'?
A bit typo infested on this, DD. ^_~
Description of the blonde nurse gets tangled in all it's describing in one sentence. Break it with a dash, maybe? '...nurse -- the blonde one -- once asked kindly without really caring.' That's if you're sure the entire sentence is necassary. Does the dialogue already imply the not caring? It does, actually - rather well. ^_^ You might drop the 'without really caring' and see how it fits then.
--Typo - light.
Implication is the writer's keenest weapon - what isn't said, you know. Light and noise - then majestic - that's an impression. Love and joy just seems to waver in between - a bit bland or uncertain - saying what's been implied?
-typo - heavy-set?
Repetition again, somewhat. You've said the visitors look away - and this does run into describing Louisa bit more; but see if it can be done without repeating the visitors aversion, or add it to the sentence preceding.
Oy - it is fun to read some of your description, DD - all of them tend to be keenly observed. But you're so good at it, sometimes you put them all in. Repetition above works well; roadmark bit tends to repeat needlessly, despite its pertinence.
I don't care to cut any out; but I suggest you glance over it some and see if it can be consolidated. ^_^
....a little tangled there, meandering. #_ #
Clarify --'A finally happy day, though 'happy' was hardly a feeling she could recognize now. It had been so long since it had even occurred to her to so much as care about feelings.'
--Either strike 'identical' or switch it to before uneventful. For flash fiction though, it's a bit heavy to have that extra adjective.
--typo - brown.
Deft on Lousia's thoughts - and I like the way you've switched up on sentence structure, reflecting the fantasy. Ellipses, etc. ^_^ "...she would stand".
--typo - clutched.
Good parenthetical 'grin' - again pleasant, even characterisation. A little much on the 'ands' and adjectives at the end. '...into all the white light...' Something else rather than 'happiness' and 'breeze'? Perhaps a 'contented breeze'? Happiness you've used quite a bit; words wear when they get repeated, and not always very well. !_!''
It's a good ending, and well-fitted with the story. You've a good story-teller's sense for the tale circles; books (good ones) and especially short stories tend to circle back, as your eye will circle round a good painting. ^_^ This finishes and recalls one back to beginning and through. Poignant but not overly sentimental.
Only try it without the 'and'. I think you got 'and-happy' there in the last few paragraphs. ^_^
IMP
Wow, thanks Wiggy!
You make good points about some of the sentence structure... and as I said, heh, I should have revised a litle more before posting, but I was anxious to see what people thought of a halfway coherent DD free-write. Thanks, Wiggy! Really appreciate the points you make... I'll be looking at those errors. ^_~
DD, I keep promising you I'll crit your work and I never do. So I'm critting this one now! (I promise I'll get to the Chair-it's 12 pages though and quite a lot, so it may take a little while.
)
This part seemed a bit forced. I would consider taking out one of the "mildlies" phrases and then combining the remaining two. I also believe the correct spelling is optimistic.
Admittedly is not needed. Is that even a word? ^_^ You used a lot of adverbs around this part. Try not to use so many. Convey your message with strong verbs instead.
This was an awkwardly constructed sentence. Maybe you could say, "They seemed to think that they could pretend, as if they were behind a shield of optimism and joy, that they were just normal people, going shopping, getting their hair done, and going to baseball games."
Need comma after "day."
I really liked this paragraph.
Just need one "quite."
I think you can catch those errors. ^_^
Put a period after now and capitalize it. Otherwise, it's a run-on sentence.
I would say "ask" instead of "say."
Combine this to say "the perky, blonde one."
Add comma.
clutched
Great ending, DD.
DD, I really liked this piece. It was hearfelt and moving, but just had a few errors, hopefully all of which I caught. You really have a great style, and I look forward to reading more from you. Great, great job!
*hugs*
In that case, it's even nicer.
Aww, thanks MH! It really isn't revised at all, but considering I wrote this in two hours last night at midnight as a free-write, I thought it was decent enough to post and get some feed-back on. ^_~
Thanks, my friend. ^_^
In the seventh paragraph
She wasn’t quite sure what would happen as the end result of all this waiting, but she fantasized it would be big. A lot of lgiht.
TYPO!
Actually all of the paragraph seven needs some revision, but still great piece. Very nicely done. Full of sadness and emotion and hollowed out souls.
Great.